NEW YORK - Politicians from both sides of the aisle hailed "another glorious victory in the advance of capitalism" as they passed a bold government initiative which promises to eliminate the last hurdles to universal participation in the thriving American market experiment.

"We're all capitalists now," proclaimed a triumphant Mitch McConnell (R-KY). "And all it took was a government program of unprecedented scale."

The senator went on to explain the efficiencies to be realized by having the program facilitated through an existing government agency known as IRS. He believes upwards of 95% of Americans will (directly or indirectly) be investing in Wall Street as a result. Reports are that the initial purchases will be safe and reliable preferred shares in banking stalwarts such as The Bank of JP Lynch, and CitiChase of America. Also, other large banks may be considered if the Treasury secretary can find any.

The rush to act quickly has left the public deeply divided over whether the move is smart policy or an exercise in ideology. But defenders of the government intervention claim there was a moral imperative that compelled action.

"If we don't look out for the well-being of the wealthiest and most influential in our society, who will?" asks Ted Stevens (R-AL).

"It's socialism," whines one prominent talk radio host, referring to a system whereby collective action is taken to provide for the needs of large private corporations that have fallen on hard times. Few share his criticism though. They point out, for instance, that the government will be buying preferred shares, which means it will share the financial risk without gaining votes in business operations.

"These are strong, hard-working corporations," explained Senator McConnell. "Their only fault was dreaming big, wanting something better for their stockholders. I don't think we can fault them for that."

"Let's pick them up, commend them for their free-market enthusiasm, and nicely ask if they can't cost taxpayers a little less next time their heedless pursuit of profit brings about an economic implosion."