A Republican senator is demanding "sexuality screening" for cows after recent research revealed a rise in cow homosexuality in recent years.

Senator Rick Santorum, rising GOP star from Pennsylvania, released details today of a new initiative to galvanize his conservative base in the lead-up to November's election.

"Obviously this is a concern for all parents trying to bring up their children in a healthy moral environment. We'd like, however, to avoid a panic - please remember that so far there is insufficient evidence to suggest that homosexual beef might be a factor in turning children into homos.

"Nonetheless, this is still a concern for any responsible parent and I'll be taking this to Congress to demand that all beef in the United States be screened for homosexuality before it hits the shelves."

According to Sen. Santorum, the issue was brought to his attention after staff members discovered an article by Brainsnap ('Microsoft tops Google') that quotes a Microsoft employee mentioning the high instance of 'homosexual cows' in search engine results.

Santorum's staff grew concerned after they unearthed recent studies in Australia that indicate a correlation between stress and homosexuality among cows.

"Obviously, this is a matter of grave importance to all parents - this is why I'm committed to making sure packaged beef comes with warning labels if the meat isn't 100% pure heterosexual," the senator told a press conference late on earlier today.

Gay Rights activists were quick to respond.

"Santorum is milking the gay cow issue for all its worth, which isn't a lot. We all need to moooove on," quipped Gail Somers of the recently formed Bovine Sexuality Protection League.

Some conservatives claim that the findings offer hope to families afflicted with a gay child. If instances of homosexuality are higher in stressed bovines, then this might offer hope that humans can be successfully treated for homosexuality with heavy doses of Paxil or Zoloft.

More cautious conservatives, like Wendy Mathers of Traditional Family Values in the Science Lab, warn against undue optimism.

"Treating your gay children with anti-depressants may just make them happy AND homosexual--which would be a sure recipe for the collapse of civilization."

External Links

• Lesbian cow study udderly serious
• Google Search for 'homosexual cows'