The following is an excerpt from the script for a lecture conducted by Nikolai Stephens at Oxford University (Adelaide Branch) earlier this year. We have published it for your edification.

Hello all, welcome to my lecture on the future revolution and how you need to do what you are told. Firstly, I would just like to introduce myself. Most of you would know me as a senior editor and writer for Brainsnap, which I believe is widely perused throughout this prestigious university.

Many of you however may be unaware that I possess a doctorate in posethesiology (which is a subject too complex for most of you to understand so I won't bother trying to explain it to your feeble minds) from the Open Learning Institute of Wagga Wagga, which is a real place I can assure you- look it up on a map if you don't believe me, it's in Australia.

I have worked as a high school teacher, as a faceless bureaucrat for a state Transport Department, in numerous shit kicking jobs such as bar man at a yuppy wine bar in Cornwall Street in the city of London, as a hamburger flipper, and lived on a kibbutz in Israel surrounded by gun toting, spitting Israelis and equally crazy Palestinians. So I am quite an expert on doing as I am told.

Now, as we are all aware as good liberal arts and environmental science students, the current decadent capitalist system will soon crumble to dust and be replaced by a workers paradise which we will all be free to partake, unless of course you have been shot or decapitated or one of the numerous other horrible things that could happen when an entire economic and political system crumble to dust.

To avoid such nasty things occurring to you, it is important that you understand the benefits of doing what you are told. Those that know how to follow instructions shall inherit the Earth. I call these people "sniveling cretins' as it seems the most obvious term.

I tell you today that your future success depends on you accepting the role of a sniveling cretin. It is the sniveling cretins who we will need to carry out our (by "our' I mean the chosen few great leaders of the revolution, namely we at Brainsnap and perhaps one or two others of our choosing) orders without compunction, no matter how odious or seemingly immoral.

Now I am aware that many of you perhaps feel that the term 'sniveling cretin' contains negative connotations. It is understandable. But you need to get beyond the semantics and look closer at the real meaning of the term. Sniveling Cretins are the ones who succeed. They are the go getters of this world and will continue to be so, even after the revolution.

Think about who is successful in the current social order. Is it those who refused to follow orders or accept the instructions of their superiors? Or is it the ones who worked within the system, the ones that went home and did their homework, then brought it in and showed it to their teacher for critical feedback and ended up with the best marks? Who gets the best jobs and the most sex in the long run? The little suck up jobs of course. The ones that play to the egos of their teachers, lecturers and employers, and most importantly do everything they are told.

They succeed because they know how the system works- which is to crawl up the arse of nearest superior individual and stay there as long as it is necessary.

Those who refuse to do so, who try to rebel, what happens to them? They end up in the gutter with a needle in their veins and a glazed, desperate look in their eye.

Think about our current politicians. We would consider them successful, yet are they individual thinkers? Of course not! Their success is due to their ability to do what they have been told. Why the whole Westminster parliamentary is based around towing the party line. And even those who do make supposed decisions such as the Prime Minister, are they not also following orders? My dear listeners, Tony Blair is as big a sniveling cretin as there is in this world. He follows the instructions of others. Just look at the way he follows George Bush like a love sick Chihuahua.

And what about George Bush? Does he make his own decisions? Of course not. He follows the instructions of the religious right and big business. He got where he is because he turned into a good boy that followed his Daddy's path, and gave up his rebellious coke snorting party days.

And what of the totalitarian dictators of our past such as Hitler and Stalin. Surely, they thought for themselves and did not follow orders. However, if you know anything about history you soon realise that both these men were complete sniveling cretins for most of the early part of their lives. It was not until they reached true power in their respective political systems that they displayed any real independence.

Hitler was a model soldier in World War I, known for always following orders. He was not promoted beyond lance corporal after four years of fighting because his superiors thought he was completely incapable of leadership. He was the ultimate sniveling cretin first, then dictator and madman second.

Stalin came to be dictator of the Soviet Union because he was a crawler that no one thought to be dangerous. He sucked up to everyone, and they all thought he was such a nice harmless guy, so they gave him the job of party secretary where he managed all their files and could ultimately wield enormous power. He then killed just about all of them over time and became an undisputed, ruthless dictator. But, as with Hitler, he started his career as a sniveling cretin.

Clearly, to be a sniveling cretin is the key to success in our society, whether it be a liberal democratic capitalist, extreme left wing or extreme right wing system. You do what you are told, follow the party line, and good things will come to you.

When society crumbles, as it surely will, certain cretins that benefited from the old system may become wastage, but if you've backed the winners you'll come out laughing.

After the inevitable revolution, there will be problems for all the sniveling cretins out there currently gobbling all the benefits of this current corrupt capitalist system, but if you follow us and do what we tell you, you'll be okay.

Because, my dear listeners, when we the revolutionaries overturn society and march such luminaries as Tony Blair and George Bush up against the wall, we will need plenty of sniveling cretins of our own to do our bidding. I certainly won't enjoy disposing of all the bodies of the capitalist bourgeoisie whom we execute after we come to power. I will demand some sniveling cretin to do it for me, and pay him well to do so.

So what I am saying to you here today is that rebellion is not the answer, nor is anarchy, except when it is sanctioned by those who are or will shortly be making all the decisions. We at Brainsnap, the future commissars of the revolution, hold the key to your future success. You should, nay must, do what we tell you, and good things will come to you.

When I look out over your faces I detect in some a certain resistance to my message. I know what you are thinking? "Sure, being a sniveling cretin is fine for the ordinary people, but me,' You are thinking, "I'm going to be famous, I'm special I am, I'm going to be a great writer or rock star or actor or some other wondrous career where everyone will kiss my arse.'

I have an important message for those of you currently thinking that. You are not fucking special! The only person who may have thought you special is the woman who gave birth to you, and that's only because she just about died squeezing your enormous fat head through her pelvis.

You are nothing! You are one in six billion sniveling cretins who possess no redeeming qualities beyond being able to serve your true masters. And currently because of your misconception of your specialness, you aren't even useful as a servant. You are nothing but stuffing, filling up the space like foam in a cheap, nasty pillow!

I tell you now, get over such pretensions and accept your rightful place amidst the rest of the stuffing, otherwise you'll be the next up against the wall right after all those capitalist fat cats and disgusting politicians when the revolution comes!

We at Brainsnap will be generous lords. We will accept the total submission of your will with beneficence and most probably will not have you killed. But we have no time for pretentious arseholes who refuse to accept the reality of their own insignificance.

So accept your position as sniveling cretins. Don't look down on it. It's the best you can hope for, now and after the revolution. There are enormous benefits in doing what you are told. You probably won't be shot for one.

Thankyou for your time, and please take the time peruse some of our wonderful and informative products which are currently for sale at the table at the back of the room. We have some lovely tapes containing some quite entertaining and informative lectures that you will love to listen to over and over again in the car, or while jogging or even making love to your respective partners. Also for sale, is my book "When Will the Rainbow Come?" which you are sure to love. Buy a couple extra for Christmas gifts for the family. I can assure you, the money you spend will be put to good use in the overthrow of the current corrupt, decadent political system and the creation of a just and wonderful Earthly utopia.