Alan Jones Admits He is Gay

Australian talk back radio host Alan Jones admitted today that he is indeed gay. "I wish to stop the speculation and rumour now. There has been a lot of speculation recently and I feel that it is time that I confirm I am gay," he told a journalist working for the Melbourne Age newspaper.

He continued, "And why shouldn't I be gay? John Howard is still the Prime Minister, the new industrial relations laws will stuff the unions, reduce wages and entitlements for the low paid, therefore helping the battlers I represent" (by battlers we assume he means corporation executives and media bosses).

"On top of all that, the ABC (Australian Broadcasting Corporation) board has been beautifully rigged by the coalition government so that they refuse to publish anything that might undermine or question my lifestyle and networks. I mean I was pretty upset a few days ago, but now I'm gay and happy. Whoop de doo!"

The Age journalist then asked Jones about rumours that the recent refusal by the ABC board to publish a biography on him titled 'Jonestown' by ABC journalist Chris Masters, was because it stated that Jones was homosexual.

Jones' reply was, "You f*#king c#%t, I'm going to f#*king sue your F#*king a#%ses until your s*#t turns f#*king yellow." Such language, to those who have worked with Jones or heard recordings of his speech when he believed he was off air, is relatively mild for the man who is the darling of the conservative Australian right.

The Age journalist then asked if Jones had threatened the ABC board because he feared that if his sexual preferences were made public it would undermine his standing with his conservative minded audience, and would show to the world that he was a cynical, conniving, manipulating media tart who hypocritically presented himself as a right wing moral guardian for personal gain.

At this moment, Jones sprayed the journalist with such extreme vitriolic language that his recording device which was capturing the interview spontaneously exploded.

The journalist's body has subsequently been found face down in the Yarra River, having been savagely beaten with a blunt instrument. The damaged recorder was located at the bottom of a cliff by a homeless gentleman who passed it on to Brainsnap staff. It was sent express mail to Boston where the information reported in this article was recovered by our technical experts.

Editors Note: We must stress that we at Brainsnap by no means wish to imply that Jones had anything whatsoever to do with the tragic murder of the young journalist. We are certain that someone of Jones' moral and political standing would never stoop to such a low, devious and evil act. We also wish to assure our readers that we in no way suspect that Alan Jones is a homosexual. It is simply a scandalous rumour spread by those lefties in the ABC and Fairfax newspapers who wish to impose their unaustralian 'trendy' opinion on the good 'battlers' out there who love their families and want nothing better than to earn an honest dollar for a good day's work. We wholeheartedly respect the Howard government's right to stack the ABC board to reflect the will of the silent conservative majority, and stick it to those left wing agitators and their academic comrades. Furthermore, we also understand that Alan Jones has every right to curse, swear and verbally abuse employees, flunkies and colleagues. He has a very stressful job, and often does not get the respect he deserves (or which is given John Laws). Finally, we would like to remind those guardians of Australian public opinion that while some of our staff may be Australian born, we are based in the USA, and therefore are out of the reach of those elements who so diligently wish to protect the 'battlers' (particularly those 'battlers' whom support the Howard government) by ensuring libellous and distasteful information is not propagated over the Internet or elsewhere. We at Brainsnap simply endeavour to publish the facts, and we believe that is all that matters.