The Defense Department announced that the detention center will be shifted to the Bermuda Triangle because Guantanamo Bay is becoming 'too accessible.'

WASHINGTON-The president called for tough measures aimed at increasing American oil consumption beyond that of China, which overtook the United States last year to become the world's largest emitter of carbon dioxide. "It is vital that we once again take the lead in this matter of global importance," he noted.

The recall of 134 million pounds of suspect meat has cafeterias, schools, and supermarkets in a hurry to chuck their suspect ground chuck, in many cases not bothering to look before they lob.

What President Bush meant to say, but forgot.

World track champion Hare has been stripped of all medals after failing a routine drug test. The decision means that Tortoise, who finished second in their highly publicized race, becomes the new champion.

He bravely took the helm in rough seas, plotted a sure course between quagmire and fratricide, and stabilized a nation sliding into chaos, but General David Petraeus' toughest struggles have been of a personal nature. For the first time, the man presently in charge of the war in Iraq shares how he fought to confront his shame and admit his problem, hoping his honesty will give courage to others to confront their problems.

"I can't write the progress report that Congress is so looking forward to this September," Petraeus says. "And it's because I'm illiterate."

The president this week asked for revisions to the Foreign Intelligence Surveillance Act (FISA). After years of semi-secret violations of that and other legislation, the level of public exposure was becoming too embarrassing for even the Bush crew. Well, for most of them.