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Army braces for goat combat
Washington, DC - Controversy continues to surround the U.S. Army's plan to sedate and injure goats for the "live training" of US Special Forces medics.
According to Pentagon insiders, the program has taken on a greater significance in recent months, following intelligence reports indicating that al-Qaeda has stepped up its goat-recruitment in the Middle-East and Central Asia.
"Conspiracy theories abound, but this is not your ordinary scapegoating," says army spokesman Col. Brian Masterson. "The sacrifice of these animals, while regrettable, provides medics with important veterinary skills that are crucial for winning the war on terror. It's also good for morale."
Animal rights activists have been quick to condemn the shooting of livestock in army training. Critics claim that there are enough gunshot victims in the United States for the medics to train on.
According to Col. Masterton, the Army had a training program in the emergency rooms of inner-city hospitals until recently, but ended the program due to high casualty rates among trainees.

"The inner cities of the United States have proven far too dangerous to operate in. True, there are over thirty thousand gunshot-related deaths in the US per annum, and plenty of bodies laying around to train our soldiers on. But we don't like to endanger the lives of our Special Forces medics unnecessarily. As the Secretary of Defence said a few weeks ago, most US cities are as dangerous as downtown Baghdad. Keeping our military assets out of the inner cities is part of our efforts to minimise casualties."
According to Masterson, shooting hostile-looking goats within the safe confines of an army base has proven to be a better alternative. "We initially thought about shooting homeless people, but apparently there were ethical concerns."
He adds: "This may fly in the face of what the public likes to think about us GIs, but shooting things is our job. If a bunch of liberal, tree-hugging girly men have a problem with us shooting barnyard animals, then the terrorists have already won."
One army medic speaking on the condition of anonymity praised the scheme. "We medics need to be prepared for the gruesome sight of badly injured goats in the field. Besides, in oil-producing parts of the world, goats are very important status symbols. Maybe one day I'll be able to save the lives of some livestock. I'm no rocket scientist, but even I can see that would really help build good relations with future liberated oil-producing nations."
BELOW: Artist's impression of goat used for army training.
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