WASHINGTON, D.C. - Despite the expectation of a closely contested Presidential election, Attorney-General John Ashcroft has begun planning the details of George W. Bush's second inauguration ceremony. Secret plans for a revamped inauguration ceremony, in keeping with the Bush administration's emphasis on conservative values, have been leaked to a Washington newspaper.



Attorney-General Ashcroft has become well-known for his practice of having himself anointed with cooking oil whenever he takes an oath of office. He has cited Samuel's anointing of King David (1 Samuel 16:13) as a precedent. In keeping with the importance and sanctity of the highest office in the United States, Ashcroft's plan proposes to heighten the solemnity of the inauguration ceremony by drawing on such biblical elements.



First, a heifer is to be sacrificed by the Chief Justice. If the Chief Justice is reluctant to undertake this duty, Justice Clarence Thomas has reportedly volunteered to step in, and to "stick it to the heifer real good". There is a section in the leaked draft plans that discusses how to deal with anticipated protests from the SPCA. An Ashcroft staffer has responded: "What, you want us to incinerate a lentil burger instead? It kinda wouldn't have the same impact".



After the President takes the Oath of Allegiance, the Chief Justice will pour a flask of oil onto the President's head. It is expected that a common household cooking oil, like Crisco, will be used, as personally endorsed by John Ashcroft.



The plan canvasses the possibility of private sponsorship for the inauguration from the Crisco company, to help defray the large costs of the occasion. Candace Honeysuckle, a spokeswoman for a faith-based public relations and events management firm which has been assisting with the planning, denied that corporate sponsorship would detract from the solemnity of the ceremony: "As everyone knows, the Lord just loves private enterprise", she said.



A choir of volunteers from the Attorney-General's office, named the Freedom Choir, will sing psalms and songs written by John Ashcroft for the occasion. In addition to Ashcroft's "Let the Eagle Soar", which reportedly already has a cult following among some community radio stations, they will sing a new Ashcroft composition: "One God, One Flag, One President".



An Ashcroft staffer speaking under the condition of anonymity told a reporter: "He calls us the Freedom Choir because he refuses to pay us overtime for this crap. It really sucks, but I don't want to lose the job".



Ashcroft has reportedly been learning to blow the shofar, or ram's horn, as part of his contribution to the solemn occasion.

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