Recent studies indicate that Mad Cow Disease might be only a myth, a scientific rationale to disguise the fact that 'some cows are just plain nuts'.
A report released yesterday by the Dink Group's Bovine/Equine Research Institute debunks the idea that cows were ever merely tranquil, grass-chewing animals.
"Forget everything you thought you knew about cows," says the Institute's spokesman Bud Hayes. "Tens of thousands of people go missing in rural areas every year. It's really alarming."
"We never find any such evidence as bodies or human mutilations," Dr Hayes told reporters earlier today. "In areas where people are disappearing, not only do the cattle seem contented and well fed, but they behave very suspiciously. We noticed they closely watching the activities of our investigators whenever they were nearby."
These findings are the culmination of decades of research that began in the 1950s when scientists first began to investigate early 'suspicious' bovine behavior. In 1967 a study was launched into the question of why cows would stand around in fields with vaguely shifty, yet unaccountably serene countenances, even if there are corpses of their own kind nearby. "Other animals tend to be rattled by that sort of thing," says Dr Hayes. "Cows, on the other hand, can be chillingly detached."
Meanwhile, the research has confirmed the suspicions of many farmers.
"If you farm cows your whole life, you kind of get used to not knowing a lot about things. And there are a lot of things going on in the minds of cows that we have no idea about", says Montana cattle-rancher Mike Aldridge.
Mr Aldridge explained that in his 20 years of experience as a rancher, he is constantly disconcerted by the apparent pack-hunting behaviour of his cows.
"Nothing has ever come of it", says Mr Aldridge. "Mostly their stalking behaviour seems to concentrate on the hay-bales that I throw from my pick-up truck.
"But they have this glint in their eyes, you know? It's eerie."
Some scientists blame the modern practice of including meat-stock in their feed for the increased aggression in cows. High protein diets that sometimes include the meat of other cows have long been used by ranchers to make cows fatter, faster. "It's a common enough practice across the globe. Mad Cow disease comes about when cows are fed diseased meat - usually the brains of other infected cows."
Mad Cow disease, or bovine spongiform encephalopathy, can be spread to humans in the form of Creutzfeldt-Jakob disease.
"Now this is one disease you definitely don't want to catch," says noted bovine researcher Pete Jensk, "but its not the only danger. In fact, it's the tip of the iceberg when it comes to your so-called ordinary cow."
According to Jensk, cattle mutilation is a clear example of the growing evidence of increasingly sinister bovine behaviour. "This has gone overlooked by the general public for far too long. Any farmer can tell you that if a cow gets to disliking another cow, then it's a dangerous time for all involved. Cows murder each other in cold blood all the time. And they're clever enough to make it look like aliens did it."
Dr Jensk has also accused the government of implementing a program of 'deliberate misinformation' on the issue.
"The government doesn't want to cause a panic", Dr Jensk told Brainsnap. "It's important that the general public recognizes the dangers, especially when travelling alone in rural areas. It's not just rednecks that people have to look out for. People must be vigilant and careful, but not necessarily alarmed."
The American Association for Bovine Enthusiasts have issued no comment at this time.
Insiders claim the group is perturbed by this latest research, but not altogether surprised.
"There's a very good reason why Satanists and Texan ranchers use cow skulls in their everyday activities", an anonymous member of the Cow Appreciation Council of Kansas (CACK) said yesterday.
When asked for a comment about the popularity of cows in general, she replied: "I guess they're just so easy for us to relate to."