A shortage of virgins in the Islamic heaven would have ex-suicide bombers up in arms if they still had limbs.

"When I was strapping the explosives to my body last month, I had no idea how it would pan out," says Al Ibn Mazuri, formerly of a small village in central Afghanistan. "I never asked myself - where do these virgins come from? Or, more to the point, why are they still virgins?"

The ex-suicide bomber, speaking un-live via seance from an undisclosed location that he could only describe as 'hot and oppressive', complained to Brainsnap that the so-called paradise 'sucks' and was awash with 'ugly chicks'.

The former teenage suicide bomber is the first to admit to having had very little experience with the opposite-sex in life.

"It's probably why the Mullahs chose me for the special mission," he complained before adding, "the shmucks."

According to Ibn Mazuri, no one told him that the average female virgin is fifty years old, has facial hair and weighs approximately the same as a well-fed camel.
"What a gip," he added.

Traditionally, fallen Islamic warriors have been consoled by seventy virgins who cater to their every whim. The rise in jihads, however, along with a steadily decreasing pool of available virgins, is believed to have created a severe shortage.

According to Ibn Mazuri, martyrs from the multitude of holy wars around the globe are unanimous in their disappointment. "Looks like someone went through paradise waving a very big ugly stick. I mean, give-me-a-break!"

Recent polls indicate that the position of servant to an Islamic martyr is not an attractive option for most modern women. Few virgins that Brainsnap spoke to showed much interest in applying. "It doesn't seem too much fun," said Elif Estayiciou, a young Turkish virgin. "What's in it for us? Suicide bombers are total losers. Who wants to spend eternity with some loser who had to blow himself up to get laid?"

"It's a real worry," agrees virgin coordinator Pamela Murray. "We're just not getting the numbers applying like we used to. And with all the fighting in Palestine, Iraq, Afghanistan, Chechnya and everywhere else, we've got this steady stream of dead martyrs to cater for. My whole staff is at breaking point trying to sort it out." Nonetheless, Ms Murray denies the quality of virgins has diminished.

"Everyone is beautiful in their own way. Suicide-bombers just have bad attitudes, I guess."

According to Mohammed's press spokesperson Cynthia Bellows, the Prophet's words on the subject have been taken out of context.

"He never suggested martyrdom should be an antidote for sexual frustration. The virgins-for-martyrs program is a consolation prize for losers, not an incentive package."

Ms Bellows told reporters that, in the Prophet's opinion, "martyrs have entitlement issues" and were "a pain in the ass" to deal with. She added that martyrs were hosted somewhere other than paradise, although she would not comment where exactly. "Well, it's a place that isn't quite as nice as paradise, if you get my drift." She added that the management felt that 'arsonists and boys who played with guns and bombs' were not well suited to heaven and would probably be happier elsewhere.

Middle-Eastern theologians, however, feel strongly that virgins-for-martyrs program has a lot to answer for and should be removed from policy. Most claim that the bureaucracy running the Islamic afterlife has only itself to blame for its on-going logistical problems.

"Our statistics show that women are far less prone to violence and evil as men. There are only a rare few who are eligible for the odious task of catering to the whims of spotty adolescent religious nuts. They didn't do the math."

Note: interested virgins looking for work should watch for forthcoming advertisements in their local Islamic press.