Jack Bauer, maverick counter-terrorism agent and part-time insomniac, has demanded an eight hour work day from the Department of Defense. He has also asked for a pay rise.

"I killed four suspected terrorists between the hours of 1am and 2pm, and all I got was lousy time-and-a-half. That ain't right," Bauer told Brainsnap.

The first official response to Bauer's threat to strike for 24 hours has been the Department of Homeland Security's raising of the current threat level from yellow to brown.

Major-General Josh Abrams, a senior Pentagon staffer, summarized the White House's reaction to a closed group of reporters late Friday evening. "If Jack Bauer isn't there to shimmy down an air duct and point a pistol at some vaguely Arabic-looking guy and thereby save this great land of ours, then this sends a clear message to us all. And that message is: we're all gonna frickin' die!"

White House press secretary Scott McClellan, however, denied reports that president Bush had locked himself in a bathroom and won't come out. "The president is facing this new national crisis with the usual vigor of a Texan in a snow storm. But we are all disappointed with Agent Bauer's new-found lack of patriotism. We'd have hoped that the honor of saving our butts while we fly randomly around in Air Force One was all the reward he needed. I guess he'll be starting a union or something now. The pinko."

Bauer, however, was quick to deny that his motivations were related to a flagging enthusiasm for the president.

"I'll admit that there was this time when I was being shot at in some warehouse that I found myself wondering what the fuck I was doing working so late on a weeknight. I couldn't figure out why I wasn't settling down with the Turner Classic movie channel and eating a burrito."

Bauer admits that his job is usually a little bit stressful.

"When crap happens, and they need to get someone to tear across town in a black SUV and shoot some guy in the leg to get him to talk, it's like, where's Agent Bauer? Send Agent Bauer! But you say, 'guys, it's between 9pm and 10pm and I've rented The Guns of Navarone and would like to sit on the couch and eat some frozen burritos', they hook me up to a frickin' polygraph and start asking me if I'm sure I love this country..."

Bauer is believed to have negotiated his last raise by tying two senior human resources executives at CTU together with an electric lamp cord, and then electrocuting them until they gave him the response he needed. But experts claim that the United States is heading for a catastrophe if Bauer walks off the job. To Jack Bauer, a catastrophe is looming if they don't ease up a little. "You'd think, with all these computers, that our lives would be easier and we'd be working less.

"But, like, last month I was so tired at work that I spaced out for a few hours between 3am and 4am," Bauer admitted. "An entire city was destroyed. I need to get some frickin' sleep or I'll be shooting at flying pink monkeys and winged snakes."