Brainsnap's exclusive interview with the world's most wanted man, Osama bin Laden.

He has been hard to track down. For months, we have sought the most wanted man in the universe (we presume). Finally, having been blindfolded, then twirled around twenty times to lose my sense of direction, then made to walk for three days barefoot across extremely prickly ground, I got to speak one on one with the softly spoken, yet very evil al Qaida leader Osama Bin Laden.

The Interview:

Nikolai: Hello, can I take the blindfold off?

Osama: Sure, go ahead. You won't know where you are though. My specialists have carefully planned every step of the journey so as to hide my whereabouts from you. We could be anywhere in the world.

Nikolai: Man! I'm glad that blindfold's off. Everything's so bright.

Osama: Welcome to my humble home.

Nikolai: Thank you. I like the decor. Big screen plasma television, nice. I like the fish tank.

Osama: Please, it's an aquarium.

Nikolai: Apologies. Hey, good view! Isn't that the Hollywood sign out there?

Osama: Yes. We have one of the best views of L.A. from out this... Hey! I mean, of course it looks like the Hollywood sign and a view of Los Angeles, but actually this is just a cunning trick by my specialists to fool you into thinking you're somewhere you're not.

Nikolai: So we're not in LA?

Osama: No of course not. There are actually just rocks and a few goats out there, not heaps of buildings and roads and big signs as it seems.

Nikolai: So how do you do it? Do you have screens over the windows? It looks pretty real to me.

Osama: Ha ha... yes well that shows you how clever we are. Could you just wait a moment?

Nikolai: Sure.

Osama: Sanjev!

Sanjev: Yes sir?

Osama: Close the blinds on the windows please.

Sanjev: You do not want the fresh breeze anymore sir?

Osama: Ha Ha Sanjev, you talk as if they were real windows instead of cunning screens to confuse our infidel guest here.

Sanjev: Sorry? Oh... Oh! Sure... cunning screens. Yes, I will close the blinds over the completely fake screens.

Osama: Thank you. Now, Nikolai, we have only a limited time so please start your questioning.

Nikolai: Okay, well how long do we have?

Osama: Only about ten minutes.

Nikolai: Have you got important operational tasks you have to do?

Osama: No, the O.C. starts in ten minutes.

Nikolai: Osama, I must say I am surprised at how Western your lifestyle appears to be. Aren't television shows like the O.C. completely contrary to your belief system?

Osama: Oh I don't know. I mean some of the story lines are hard to believe I guess. I mean, what kind of rich family would just take in some teen straight out of juvenile detention and within a few months he's completely reformed? But that's television. It's always been like that. Melrose Place went quite crazy in the end, but it was a lot of fun to watch.

Nikolai: Okay, so you are a fan of American television dramas. How does that sit with your statement that the USA is a great, evil entity and you are avowed to destroy it?

Osama: Oh well that's my job. When I'm up on stage I'll say anything for the cameras. It seems to work. I've gone from an insignificant Saudi rich kid to one of the most famous men on the planet. Everyone knows me, and chicks dig it.

Nikolai: You pick up women?

Osama: Sure, why else would you be famous? They seem to like the evil dude persona you know. I've got this whole bad boy thing going, and they can't get enough of me. Back in high school I was this spotty, skinny kid and the girls wouldn't even lift their veils to look at me. Nowadays they throw themselves on me.

Nikolai: So you ordered men to fly planes into the World Trade Centre just to pick up chicks?

Osama: Hey! You're jumping to conclusions. Just because everyone says I did that doesn't make it so.

Nikolai: So you deny that it was done on your orders?

Osama: I try not to deny anything. It's good to have a little mystery. As I said before, women go for mysterious bad boys. But let me tell you a little secret.

Nikolai: Yes?

Osama: On September 11, 2001 I was actually in New York.

Nikolai: Really?

Osama: Yes, I was. And I was driving past the World Trade Centre Towers when the first plane hit. And as I was driving past I saw a man with one arm running away, but looking back suspiciously.

Nikolai: A man with one arm?

Osama: Yeah, one arm. He was a nasty, shifty looking type of guy, if you know what I mean.

Nikolai: Not really, but what's your point? Are you saying a one armed man is responsible for the Twin Tower attacks?

Osama: That's exactly what I'm saying. He's the one they should be after. But the next day everyone's blaming me. Still, you know, as I've said, I've tried not to discourage it too much. The chicks like it. They like it a lot.

Nikolai: So you keep saying.

Osama: Then the Taliban and Saddam get whumped of course, which in the long run was probably a good thing.

Nikolai: Except for the people of Afghanistan and Iraq who were also "whumped' to use your wording, at the same time.

Osama: True, true. I suppose that's the way of things. But it's the one armed man's fault not me. And I will not rest until I bring him to justice and my name is cleared of any wrongdoing. Of course they may take time. And in the mean while I think I'll enjoy my notoriety. Anyway, it's been nice talking to you, but the O.C. is just about to start and I need to get the beer out of the fridge and pour some pretzels. Sanjev!

Sanjev: Yes sir.

Osama: Get some beer out of the fridge and pour some pretzels into a bowl, and turn on the television.

Sanjev: Yes sir.

Osama: You sure you don't want to join me Nikolai? It should be a big night. Summer is having a pool party, and I think some bad guys are going to crash it. We could play some eight ball afterwards.

Nikolai: No, I'll pass. But thanks for the offer. I guess I'd better put on my blindfold for the journey back.

Osama: Ah yes the blindfold. Put it on. That's one of my favorite dish cloths, so you should feel honored. So long.

Nikolai: Sure, I hope the one armed man thing works out for you.

Osama: Yeah, yeah, I'm sure it will. If you know any hot broads, give them my phone number okay, unless they work for the CIA. Probably best if they don't know where to get hold of me. Ha ha.