Recently deceased Australian billionaire Kerry Packer has announced that he will be launching a hostile take-over bid for Heaven.

Speaking from his newly designed offices somewhere in pits of Hell, Packer told media representatives of his intentions. "I'm going to take over the bastards, considering they didn't let me in. God and his son have turned the place into some sort of family business. From what I hear they've been running the joint for eternity. I think the share holders might be looking for a change."

Kerry Packer, Australia's richest man until he died recently, is perhaps most famous for his attempted take-over of the sport of Cricket during the 1970's. His World Series changed the game dramatically and repercussions of his business maneuvers still echo in the Cricket world today.

Packer's other major obsession during life was polo, and it seems that it was this that has driven him toward launching a bid for Heaven. "He was all ready to go into heaven because he heard they have a pretty good polo competition," said a PBL (Packer's Earthling Company) executive in Sydney. "But they wouldn't let him in. They said something about camels and rich men and needle eyes, then sent him to hell. I can tell you, we had a meeting via seance a day later, and he was pretty angry. He said he was going to show those pious snobs what an Aussie with a few billion could do."

Packer's fury seems to have been only exacerbated by the fact that Hell had no organized Polo or Cricket teams, or even a golf course. Instead, the only sport played in Hell is synchronized swimming. "Our selection of sports is deliberately limited," Hell's entertainment manager told Brainsnap. "We're not a country club. Satan does like sports, but he tends to travel in order to play them. For example he's just registered for the Heaven rugby seven-a-side competition. However, average citizens such as Mister Packer will have to be satisfied with the synchronized swimming."

However, it appears that Packer is not satisfied. "You think I'm going to watch #*$% synchronized swimming! No *!@# way! I'm taking that heaven joint over. The shareholders are going to love me."

Packer claims that his package will be successful because he understands business better than God. "Sure he created the universe, but what's he done lately? And his son, well he came down to Earth two thousand years ago and since then has sat on his arse while they reap in the profits. It's unbelievable what people pay these guys for doing nothing. A lot of people even give ten percent of their wages to them for no discernible returns."

"As far as I see it Heaven is a business like any other. Christians are the shareholders, and frankly they've been screwed for a long time. Enron had nothing on Heaven. They're promising all sorts of dividends with nothing to back it up. I read the stuff about the Pope and his disappointment; there are plenty of other equally disillusioned Christians out there. I can offer them something better."

Packer only briefly outlined his vision of Heaven to media. Casinos, Polo fields and Cricket competitions where players wear pajamas and play at night under lights feature heavily. Angels would take on more service-oriented roles such dealing cards or bar work. "Currently, Heaven is really not utilising their work force efficiently," Packer said.

However, the angels' union has expressed worry at the news. "It sounds like we angels are going to get the raw end of the deal. Many of us could lose our jobs if Packer is successful and becomes God," said spokesangel Gabriel.

Mortal Christians still alive on Earth are also uncertain about possible changes to the identity of their lord and savior. "Who the hell is this Packer guy?" said George Smith, a young Christian from Alabama. "Sure he might be well known in some areas of the world, but I've never heard of him."

But a PBL spokesperson said that Packer's lack of profile in America would not be a problem. "Look, no one ever heard of Rupert Murdoch in America either, until he starting taking over media outlets there. As soon as we start releasing images of Packer on crucifixes and rewrite the Bible to include him, he'll be a household name."

As yet there has been no official statement from Heaven. However, an emergency board meeting of Heaven officials including God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit was convened only a short time ago.