Amidst United Nations demands for America to close it down due to inhumane conditions for inmates, the Pentagon has released a statement defending Guantanomo Bay. It claims that far from it being a nightmarish place where people are devoid of basic human rights, the much maligned camp is actually a high class health and fitness center.
The statement reads, "Claims of inhumane methods could not be farther from the truth, and is highly unfair to a government that is doing their best to ensure the health and well being of lucky foreigners. The center is actually a state of art fitness facility designed to allow residents achieve physical and mental health."
To back this claim up, hand picked journalists, including myself, were allowed to enter the camp and witness the conditions inside. We were promised that we would be given an accurate vision of the place.
Before entering, we were addressed by a senior American military officer. "Remember," he said, "Getting fit is not an easy business. We've all seen "The Biggest Loser.' It's a strenuous, back breaking regime that will achieve the best results. Our residents are here because they want to be healthier. So don't expect there to be ice cream and candy everywhere. It may be Spartan, but it is there for the residents own good. The liberal media likes to portray us evil monsters, and they latch onto every little thing that might seem like torture and abuse. But they don't understand the purpose or context and so give a misleading picture to the public. We are going to show you the truth."
We entered through an electrified fence constructed, we were told, not to keep residents in but to stop masses of people, eager to partake in the benefits of the health camp, rushing in and overwhelming the facilities. "Our residents appreciate the extra protection that forty feet of electrified steel wire gives them," our guide told us.
Once inside we were first taken to the kitchens. "Our chefs cook only the best and most nutritious meals for residents," we were told. Inside we found a large pile of moldy bread, some dry cabbage and a black substance in a pot that smelt like cooked Bear droppings.
"It may look unappetizing," Our guide told us, "But then so does French food, and that doesn't stop all the yuppies from going "ooh la la' at it. Moldy bread, cabbage and whatever this brown crap is, is one of the healthiest and tastiest foods there is. I tell you, the lack of calories in the meals we serve our residents would make Jenny Craig jealous."
As evidence of the miraculous weight reducing diet of Guantanomo Bay, a resident was brought at in this point and introduced to us. "Imran," we were told, "Weighed an enormous 150 pounds before arriving at the camp. Now he weighs only 82 pounds and is so grateful to us that he continually falls down in joyous glee at his new svelte physique." At this point, as if to emphasize our guide's words, Imran collapsed and was carried out by burly soldiers. At our guide's request, we applauded him as he was dragged from the room.
Our next and last room in the brief tour was the gymnasium and exercise yard. "This gym has turned a bunch of Middle Eastern cream puffs into lean, mean, health machines," our guide explained. He showed us revolutionary new exercise equipment designed to maximize weight loss, extend the muscles, and clear the mind.
Another resident was brought in to demonstrate the benefits of this particular piece of equipment. Javed had his hands and ankles cuffed to a long two piece metal board. Our guide then pressed a switch and gradually the two pieces started to separate, stretching Javed's limbs. "This is a brilliant piece of equipment for muscle tension and flexibility. We based it on exercise aids from the Middle Ages. Those guys really knew how to burn calories I can tell you," our guide said. "Its main purpose is to stretch the limbs slowly apart freeing up the areas between the joints and often causing such a delightful feeling that the user screams in ecstasy and delight." Seconds later, again as if to emphasize these words, Javed began to scream uncontrollably.
We watched the process for some minutes, until Javed lapsed into silence, and the guide switched the equipment off. More burly soldiers uncuffed Javed and he collapsed. "Clearly he is swooning in ecstasy," explained our guide. They carried the unconscious man away.
A Fox journalist asked if he could have a go because it seemed so much fun. However, he was rejected due to the fact that it was only available for residents. The Fox journalist then demanded to know why American tax payer dollars were being spent on pampering lazy Arabs who did not seem to be able to walk by themselves. He was assured that the US government was extracting plenty in return for accommodating residents. The guide then gave him a lollypop and a Naval test pilot cap, and the journalist asked no more questions.
At the end of the tour we were allowed to question our guide. "If this place is so good, how come celebrities and rich Americans aren't paying to get in here?" I asked.
"Because, unfortunately, the camp was booked out almost immediately by rich foreigners from mostly the Middle East. They had had so much fun that they did not want to leave yet, and this leaves no room for new residents," the guide explained.
"Greedy Arabs," the Fox journalist mumbled while he sucked on his lollypop.
After that, were each given a t-shirt, a Marines calendar, and a big picture book of military trucks and planes, and then guided out through the main gates. As we drove away we all agreed what a delightful day it had been.