Brainsnap Editors get their thieving hands on the latest beta version of Windows Vista (February 5308). Comrade Che reports, you decide.

As you are no doubt aware, a review of this sort typically starts with all sorts of outrageous lies about the reviewer's hardware. You know what I mean.

"... so I decided to set up a striped RAID array with my twin 15,000 RPM 147 Gig Fujitsu SCSI Harddrives, but had troubles finding the latest drivers for my liquid nitrogen cooled Quad-Core 128-bit AMD processor - the company hasn't decided what to actually call it yet, it's so much newer than yours..."

Well, readers, unlike famed Vista Beta reviewer extraordinaire Paul Thurott, Microsoft neglects to fly us around North America and take us to parties - so this review might be a little less than fair and balanced.

Getting Started

First off, installation was a breeze.

I did try to set up a raid-array, but ran into problems and did what any other genuine geek would do: fought the issue for ten hours, passed out at 2 a.m. in drunken bitterness and finally decided I didn't want to do it that much anyway. After that, however, it was a breeze. (It practically installed itself.)

As much has changed, Microsoft took pains to create a smooth transition to its next-gen OS. In order to satisfy the expectations of its long-time users, Microsoft has ensured that Windows Explorer still crashes frequently.

"We've been coding Windows Explorer for over a decade now and we wanted to ensure a consistency of experience for users," says lead programmer at Microsoft, Charles H. Manson.

Truthfully, Vista crashed on me three times within an hour, thus proving itself to be disconcertingly more stable than it's predecessor, Windows XP. One thing that you'll notice missing: the 'up-folder' button on the toolbar. Browsing the hierarchy of files just became more challenging, but I'm sure you'll get used to it in time (you'll have to, you know). It reminds me of browsing with the Mac's Finder, actually.

The best way of navigating up the hierarchy tree is now via the address bar. In practice, it works fairly well, but I miss the tree-like structure of the two panes of Windows Explorer. It was so much easier to accidentally drag crucial documents into some obscure directory without even noticing, bless its cold machine heart! I still liked it.

Note: For increased sense of authenticity, this note will remind you that the above is a screenshot.

Subtle Disclaimer

Now comes the part of the review where the reviewer qualifies himself and then attempts to dispense with the slightest doubts regarding his or her OS prejudices. Easy enough.

First, I like Windows: I do a lot of very fun things with it that 99 percent of you don't know how to do. I've also managed to break it in ways that would leave you shuddering at the inventive forms of lunatic recklessness involved.

Second, I've supported Windows XP at an Ivy League University(TM) and managed to fix arcane problems that, were they described to you, would at once impress and horrify you.

Third, everything I've said above could be applied to OS X, although such experiences are less fun. This reviewer has no sympathies.

Hardware Detection

Vista detected my machine's hardware quite effectively, with the exception of my Creative Audigy 2 ZS sound card, but this is probably because no one really uses them.

Loyal Mac users - and let's face it, most Mac users are loyal, with a fervor that could make a scientologist uncomfortable - are not going to enjoy the fact that the Vista Beta now has the prettiest GUI in the world. And experience born of many years of close observation of neophyte users informs us that eye-candy will seal the deal for this operating system. Look into your hearts - millions and millions of unsuspecting marketing victims don't know it yet, but they'll be eagerly installing a pirated version of this operating system by year's end.

What's Missing in Vista?

One feature missing from the February Beta was the infamous 'spinning beachball' that industry insiders predicted would be the essential borrowed feature in the forthcoming Microsoft operating system.

Left: A frozen beach ball missing from Vista. Nobody knows why.

Industry commentator Paul Thurrott, whose enthusiasm was interrupted only by a shareholder-rattling tantrum over the first Vista beta - remember back when he admitted that he secretly loved OS X and thought Microsoft was out of its mind? - has once again rallied to Vista's support. Insiders believe the real reason behind the spat concerned the quality of hand towels on one of Microsoft's Lears, but that's another article right there.

"I'm surprised by it though," writes Mr Thurrott. "A spinning beachball that spins and spins for minutes while the user waits and waits and waits would be the obvious component that Microsoft would borrow from the Mac platform." Well he didn't really write that, but you know he must have thought it.

The bouncy, insistent paper-clip that interrupts users every five minutes to ask fatuously if they want to write a letter is also suspiciously absent. Is Microsoft adopting a fresh new approach? Could it be a concession to mental-health experts? Untold numbers of Office users are rejoicing at this last point. This reviewer, however, believes that he owes his life to a priceless productivity-suite paper-clip that urged him not to run with scissors back in '97, and he wants it back!

I want to mess things up a little

If you think being a geek is just about deliberately not wearing color-coordinating clothes, think again. How would you like to really mess with a Vista box? First off, you should notice straight away that the 'run' command is now missing from the menu!

Instead, you get a lot of rubbish about 'games', 'music', 'documents', etc. - because obviously Microsoft knows better than you where you put your stuff. If you right click on what we used to call the 'start button' (but will now be calling the 'kinda gay logo' button), you'll get options allowing you to customize which menu items appear and which don't. Enable 'show run'. Cool. Now that you see it, go there and type:

gpedit.msc

This stands for Group Policies Editor. It's the maintstay utility for anyone who wants to customize their PC and/or cause a little strife. This is like the registry editor, only it lets the administrator deactivate certain Windows GUI components and behavioral disorders.

User Configuration - Administrative Templates - Start Menu and Taskbar is a good place to start.

Hint: If you're looking to see if you can enable the suicide-inducing Office Paper-Clip - no, the reviewer couldn't find it but, by God, he looked. There is a lot of really new stuff in here, but a guided tour would become as tiresome as a Tom Clancy novel, so let's move on.

Now, Vista is a bit sluggish, unfortunately. What do you do with a sluggish operating system? Start turning off non-essential features that Microsoft happily assumed you'd love, but you never asked to start running in the first place.

Open up Windows Explorer, right click on 'My Computer' and selected 'manage'. Under Services and Applications you'll find a list of the stuff Vista is running in the background. If you haven't been here before on any Windows operating system, you're in for a rude shock. Take a look at some of the completely useless garbage taking up precious CPU cycles. Here's a good place to start turning off the feature-ridden flab of Vista.

Don't do this on your mission-critical must-work-at-all-costs workstation, though. Not yet. Do this on a 'friend's' PC. What is the Application Experience Lookup Service? And do you need Print Spooler always running if, like me, you don't own a printer? And does Superfetch - which apparently 'Maintains and improves system performance over time' - really need to be running? It's an application that tries to anticipate what programs you'll be running next. If you're skeptical about whether or not Microsoft has the talent for anticipation, turn it off. 'Tablet PC Input Service - do you own a Tablet PC? Microsoft is assuming you do.

Left: I have two 'Power Options' in my Control Panel. More power to me? Anyone could make a mistake like that...

Remember, don't let Vista harsh your mellow. Get creative with the Group Policies and Services on someone else's computer today!

Vista - How Will It Enrich Our Lives?

At the heart of the Microsoft business model, as applied to its operating system, lies the concept of 'anticipation'. What do I mean by this? To illustrate, let's talk about a normal user whom we will temporarily call Dave (but really he's just you and me).

Dave is a Vista user, and he is just finishing an email to a colleague when he decides to click on an Eminem Mp3. Windows Media Player 11 announces that it really cares about Dave's privacy. Then the CPU cycles at 100%, freezes the machine (perhaps looking for a missing .gif of a spinning beach ball), then populates Windows Media Player with messages like, "Do you want to shop for misogynist lyrics?" and "Click here to download gangsta tunes!" as well as something about Beyonce.

The mousepointer then disappears and five seconds later Dave is moving the mouse about frantically, oblivious to the cold sweat that has appeared on his neck. After roughly twenty seconds of fear, a nicely translucent pop-up appears in the bottom right of the screen to assure Dave that critical patches have just been installed. There is, however, no demand to restart his computer, which perversely makes him feel very pleased with 'just how advanced and improved the new Vista OS really is'(TM). Then, in the blink of an eye, the pop-up is replaced by another, and this one says:

"Microsoft Security Alert: the UR-LAME#!-FROM-BILL-HAHA Virus is rated as a category Yellow Threat. Do you want to innoculate your computer? Click below for more details."

Dave clicks on the link and discovers that this virus eats the registry, sends his browsing habits to a company called Alexa, bloats up the Windows directory with half a million files, and runs various checks on the gaggle of third-party applications he has installed. It does this, he discovers to his surprise, while masquerading as a process that 'gathers data for quality assurance purposes'.

Now Dave, who doesn't want the virus, clicks "Yes". In the background, a message in the Windows Media Player sidebar asks "Do you want to buy 50 Cent Merchandise?"

Suddenly, to Dave's horror, Internet Explorer 7 leaps to the foreground and his page with the almost-finished email he'd been typing only moments before vanishes. He repeatedly clicks the back arrow in desperate optimism. Slowly, the Windows Update page begins to load.

Dave spends the next few minutes coping with the fact that he has gone back to the hotmail page and found his email to his colleague is gone forever. Reluctantly, he agrees to continue on his journey to prevent his PC from being infected by the UR-LAME#!-FROM-BILL-HAHA virus, because it is, after all, a Category Yellow virus.

First, he has to install an ActiveX component called the Genuine Validation Advantage Tool. Disregarding the anomalous use of the word advantage, Dave agrees to submit to all sorts of hidden scans of his registry. Meanwhile, Vista assures the user that Windows Update is guaranteed to protect his system from viruses, hackers and spyware. In the background, Windows Media Player is asking if the user would like to buy P-Diddy's latest multimedia DVD, starring Jenna Jameson and "lots of guns". And something about Beyonce.

And so our user sits marvelling at a latest incarnation of a product that has existed, in one form of another, for over 20 years. Hundreds of millions of experiences like these are around the next corner.

Let's leave Dave here - just as he's about to learn that Microsoft is going to ask him to pay for those virus definitions - because I'm beginning to get pretty fond of the guy and that's going to really sting.

Will Vista be secure?

A better question would be: Does Microsoft have any incentive in making Vista secure? We all see that they're a brilliantly successful company and yet so many in the industry shake their heads every day and say "Microsoft just misses the point - users want security!" Considering the large sums of money they spend each year trying to understand their customers, it's fairly far-fetched to believe that they're missing the point.

Above: The above is a screenshot. All serious reviews have these.

To give an example, a spammer isn't someone who somehow 'misses the point' that users really don't like receiving viagra emails in their inbox. Spammers just have diverging interests from their customers.

Similarly, Microsoft has at last agreed to end the pretense of striving for perfection in its products. But they are prepared to launch a marketing blitz that could fund a respectably sized war just to say otherwise. What's more, by entering the antivirus market they remove themselves from having any sincere, vested interest in keeping Vista secure from viruses and malware. Which is a big deal to ordinary users like poor old Dave. Don't look over your shoulder, because it's not a conspiracy; there is just less incentive than ever to tighten everything up.

"But wouldn't Microsoft have an incentive in avoiding bad publicity from critical security flaws?" I hear you ask. I would answer: "They're not exactly renowned for secure workstations so far, yet all the bad publicity in the world hasn't hurt."

Truth be told, for a decade at least Microsoft has offered us a fairly decent operating system for workstations that works on every PC (albeit less than perfectly). It is rich in driver support, has a huge range of software and many of us who are kindly natured and forgiving have found Windows lots of fun to play with.

Still, few of us believe they haven't behaved with shameless arrogance at every turn, and those who don't - as everybody knows - are just pretending to that point of view so they can annoy someone in a slashdot forum.

It may help to keep in mind that this product is being developed by the same company that was really, really certain users of their productivity suite wanted to be second-guessed by a bouncing cartoon paper clip. They don't have the same needs from Vista that we do, folks.

How does Microsoft Rate My Machine?

Tucked away in the Control Panel is a little application that rates your hardware. My PC rates as a three. In a year, will my rating be a one? And then what? Will brochures from CompUSA mysteriously arrive in my mailbox, as the most cynical commentators claim? As it stands, it's a fascinatingly useless little application for most of us. I wonder how it evaluates hardware?

Note: The above is another of those screenshot thingies. This note comes with no warranty.

The Bottom Line

Vista isn't ready for production, and so some would say 'hold back - wait and see!' They'd be disregarding how pleased Microsoft has been in the past to go gold long before bringing their OS to a state of readiness.

The bottom line: Vista won't be finished for years, but it'll be available on shelves near you in the second half of 2006. Brainsnap gives it an overall rating of 3, whatever that may mean.

About the author
In Comrade Che's office is a large plastic penguin, a toy light-saber and a USB powered fish-tank with real plastic fish that his boss gave him one day out of pity. There are very few linux applications running where he works because, presumably, no one in the linux business was available to make shady licensing deals with. Comrade Che is also nice.