Boston, MA - Last week the New York Times published a front page story that broke the news to millions of Americans that, a little more than nineteen years ago, the Gospel of Judas had been discovered by archaeologists. In the media frenzy that followed, Bill O'Reilly claimed the unearthed Gospel was part of a liberal plot against Easter. The History Channel frantically reshuffled its line-up to fit in a re-run of its typically meticulously researched documentary, "Judas: Apostle or Secret Grey Alien?" And reporters from across the country jammed phone lines into Harvard Divinity College wanting to speak with an expert in Judas Studies.
Not one news source has yet published any verses from the already critically acclaimed account of the twelfth disciple. Until now.
Here, for the first time ever, are some of the original verses from the Gospel of Judas. Readers are reminded that the Bible should not be interpreted literally and that it is the broader message that is important, not the uncomfortable details or restrictive moral principles.
Note: Due to copyright restrictions, Brainsnap is unable to publish the full text of the Gospel of Judas. See below.
Copyright Complications
Like most of the Beatles songs, the copyright of this Gospel was purchased by Michael Jackson, who fled the United States to Dubai late last year. The former African American is believed to be working on a children's musical about the Gospels, entitled "Judas: I'm bad, I'm really, really bad". The musical describes the journey of a talented singer/dancer from Bethlehem who falls victim to a Jewish conspiracy to steal all his shekels and his zoo. Jackson, who has been accused in recent years of anti-semitism, elicited this response from prominent Jewish groups: "You total bastard." In the meantime, Catholics around the globe are alarmed by rumors that the Vatican is considering awarding Judas a sainthood, in belated recognition of his efforts to bring about the martyrdom of Jesus. Experts claim St Judas will become the "patron saint of middle-managers".
EXTRACTS FROM THE GOSPEL OF JUDAS ISCARIOT
Judas 4:2 "Sat up gambling with the apostles last night. Jesus won again. How the hell is he doing it??!!!"
A few verses later, however, Judas learns an invaluable lesson on gambling from his Teacher.
Judas 4:11 "And then I said unto the Lord, 'Five shekels says you can't walk on water..."
In the next chapter, the Gospel relates a parable that corroborates claims that Jesus turned water into wine on more than one occasion.
Judas 5:1 "I'm so drunk!"
Although most of chapter five deteriorates into a rambling, slurred narrative involving a late night ride on a stolen camel to evade Roman authorities, a broken pot, a case of mistaken identity and a terrible hangover, the chapter winds down with a note that, on advice from the apostles' lawyers, Jesus won't be turning water into wine any time soon.
Verse 19, however, ends on a cryptic note that will puzzle Bible scholars for years to come.
Judas:5:19 "And then Jesus said, "We're calling it the Aristocrats."
Soon after it becomes clear that Judas is feeling very much the 12th wheel among the other apostles.
Judas:12:2 "Jesus keeps creating loaves and fishes out of thin air. He's flooding the market. If this keeps up, I'm going to have to sell my fish sandwich shop. Damn it all! That was my nest egg..."
Many North American readers seeking contemporary relevancy in the new Gospel will be relieved to learn that financial concerns are an important theme throughout the Gospel of Judas. For instance:
Judas:12:14 "My wife keeps banging on about me not bringing home enough shekels. She bought another dress for herself and I'm in debt again. Where on earth am I going to get my hands on 30 pieces of silver????"
Most importantly, it's clear throughout the later stages of the Gospel, Judas reveals bitter feelings toward certain fellow apostles.
Judas:14:9 "Tonight at supper, Jesus mentioned his suspicions that somebody would betray him. Personally, I think it'll be Matthew."
Evidencing a surprising lack of self-knowledge, Judas seems oblivious to his own motivations and is somehow seized of a certain delusion that 'everybody else is bad or stupid, but I'm an enlightened and good-natured individual'. Psychologists claim this behavior is perfectly normal among all modern adults and that it is nothing to worry about.
The final verse in the Gospels ends with Judas feeling afflicted by many doubts.
Judas:14:12 "I'll be hanged if I know what Jesus is talking about these days. Sounds like Bolshy talk."
Editors note: Comrade Che would like to thank the Vatican for vetting his sources while he researched this article.