Isn't it frustrating waiting for our government to act?

Here we are, the biggest nuclear power on the planet (and probably the universe, for that matter), easily able to send any nation we choose back to the Stone Age, and yet do we ever take that option? Have you ever asked yourself, why in the world not?

Despite the obvious benefits - and undeniable fun - of obliterating faceless foreigners with intercontinental weaponry, our supposedly democratic government balks at the idea. Such an affront to common-sense and decency bears closer examination.

Take Iran for example. Those weedy towel-wearers have pissed us off over and over again for almost thirty years. You know... they've taken our students hostage and tried to impeach President Nixon or something like that. Terrible affrontery. And we've generally let them get away with it because they were backward losers who thought black and white television was technological progress.

But now ... now they are suddenly developing nuclear capabilities and signing up for DirecTV. Completely unacceptable! We can't just let any random state possess nuclear capabilities. They say they just wanted an energy source. Sure. If given the chance, uncivilised nations, of which Iran is a perfect example, would surely start building nuclear weapons to obliterate any nation that so much as mispronounces their country's name.

The sad fact is, they don't have the mental sophistication we possess to see the bigger picture. They're not as good at understanding complex geopolitics and are frankly quite simple-minded in their approach to foreign policy. If only they would take some cues from us! It's their pride, I suspect.

Once they've built a nuclear bomb, they're just as likely to think Allah (or some crazy imaginary being in the sky) is telling them to blow up Israel and then go ahead and do it without thinking about the consequences - or getting it in writing either.

That's why our government must act now. We can't worry about a few million lives. We have to stop analysing the situation and looking for diplomatic solutions. Instead we must nuke Iran as soon as possible. It's what Jesus would want, being the man of action that he was.

I must make absolutely clear: America is a benevolent nation, loved by all. However, we have a special duty to ensure that each nation knows its place. We've demonstrated time and time again - in Iraq, Somalia and Vietnam - our awesome power and technological superiority over the rest of the world. It is our right, because God loves us more than anyone else. I have that from no less an authority than Pat Robertson.

And because of God's love for us, it is also our right to choose which other nations can possess nuclear weapons. If we let India or Israel or Britain have them, that's our business. (And a good business it is.) Iran shouldn't start getting ideas. We don't want them to have nuclear capabilities and that should be good enough reason for them to get back into their box and stop throwing their weight and their feces around.

Our government must act now, otherwise any number of freakish, delusional nations might start thinking they have the same rights as us. Soon they'll demand that we lose our right of veto in the United Nations Security Council, because 'it's undemocratic.' As if they know anything about democracy!

To summarize: We are the true world leader, and if a few nuclear strikes are needed to clarify this fact, then our government should not hesitate. So George, beloved leader, stop dithering and get out there and trash Iran!

(Although if you could give us half an hour's notice to get our TiVo ready, we'd really appreciate it.)