NEW YORK, NY - Linguists studying the speech patterns of actor Sean Connery have made a breakthrough that could explain the origins of the celebrity's notorious speech impediment.
"Our investigation has uncovered something remarkable about Mr. Connery," a spokesperson from the Lewinsky Institute for Intrusive Throat and Larynx Disorders in New York.
"It turns out that Mr. Connery was born in Scotland. It must have happened in his childhood that he was exposed to and acquired a foreign speech pattern disorder."
FSP disorders are common worldwide in less developed countries than the United States. Experts believe that as many as 80 percent of Scotlanders will pick up a FSP disorder sometime in their lives.
Nobody is sure why so many foreigners develop speech impediments, but what is known is that Connery is not the only celebrity to have struggled with linguistic illness.
American-born actor Mel Gibson lived for some time in Australia where, experts say, he acquired a particularly virulent strain of FSP that for many years hindered his ability to make rational sense to normal people.
According to Gibson's agent, the actor would often drink himself to despair from frustration.
"He kept talking about about dorty choose when obviously he was requesting thirty two drinks or thirty two asprins. You can imagine how frustrated he became. I think he blamed his FSP disorder for pinning down his career and keeping him from being famous."
Only after years of medicinal alcohol and therapy has the actor been able to recover from his disorder.
"Finally, Gibson is talking like a normal American and, obviously, apologizing to the world for getting a bit out-of-line now and then. This is an open-and-shut case of normality, finally."
Experts say that FSP-related miscommunication goes a long way to explain past comments of Sean Connery's that were construed as 'sexist'. A genetic history of FSPs might also explain why Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's family has been so supportive of right-wing leaders for at least three generations.
Lingusists, however, can't diagnose Tom Cruises' notoriously aberrant public behavior as a linguistic disorder.
"Oh no, not in his case - far from suffering from a terrible FSP, Tom Cruise is, regrettably, simply a fruitcake."