"It's better that I surrender to John McCain than have a Democratic president hand me over to terrorists," Romney said as he conceded victory to McCain.

"If this were only about me I would go on, but this race is not just about me unfortunately," he lamented. "Had it been, I could have gotten considerably more votes."

The McCain campaign said Romney would be taken to a secure location for "compassionate psychiatric evaluation."

Romney was kept busy speaking before the American Conservative Union of Patriotic Americans [1] while staffers scrambled to enlist the doctors who had been relieved of Britney Spears' care.

Launching right into the speech he had penned himself, Romney shared with the assembled conservatives his concern about the United States turning into a kind of France, a country that is not particularly favorable to multimillionaires like Romney.

"France is still a great nation, but no longer the leader of the world, no longer the superpower," explained Romney. "And for that to happen to the United States is unthinkable."

Many poor attendees nodded in silent agreement as they pondered the possibility of having no health insurance and no respect in the world.

Frequent applause made the crowds' adoration apparent. Romney channeled their hero Ronald Reagan in many ways, especially with regard to lapses of coherence and memory. Or maybe it was just the reemergence of his penchant for flip-flopping.

To begin with, he cited France's lack of religion for its failure to match the U.S. in world influence. He then criticized fanatics whose uncritical embrace of religion leads them to expand their influence through violence.

Next he came out against "the inexorable ramping of government spending" as a prelude to announcing the need for massive military expansion.

He went on to criticize welfare, Medicaid, and progressive tax rates as a part of "overfed, over-spending government." With that off his chest, it was easy to express sympathy for poor children in single-parent homes by promising assistance in the form of a pep talk and a Constitutional amendment defining marriage.

He concluded by explaining the need to lose the primary battle in order to win the war. "In this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign be a part of aiding a surrender to terror."

"You'd think a $50 million campaign would make me likable," he muttered as he was shackled. "I mean, I like me."

McCain struck a conciliatory note while manhandling Romney into a windowless van.

"I'd like to thank candidate Romney for his service to our nation, especially in making me look like a moderate.

"Now who's ready to bomb Iran?"