The recall of 134 million pounds of suspect meat has cafeterias, schools, and supermarkets in a hurry to chuck their suspect ground chuck, in many cases not bothering to look before they lob.
The hysteria was sparked by leaked footage of a film adaptation of Upton Sinclair's The Jungle. The low-budget production came about after a chance meeting between the head of the Humane Society and one of the producers of Saw III.
"We were able to save tens of thousands in production costs by going to a local slaughterhouse to film scenes of sick cattle being kicked, pushed by forklifts, and jolted with electric prods," said the producer. "Re-creating that in a studio would have been a nightmare, what with all the animal cruelty laws."
President Bush was quick to deny that the actions against the cattle constituted "cruel or inhumane treatment." However he also stressed that "strong measures" were necessary to protect the country from terrorism.
Among the public, the footage has created a hysteria that so-called 'downer cows' - bovines struggling with depression - were making it into the food chain.
"Cows who choose to go into the competitive slaughterhouse industry have it rough," admitted animal-rights advocate Lester Hobhahn. "I think they have a right to be depressed when you consider the lifestyle forced on them by industrial agriculture: the crowded conditions, the unnatural diet, the drugs, the pressure to bulk up and live fast. So let's give downer cows a break."
Underlying the whole issue is the concern that downer cows are actually up to something quite sinister (more mad-cow than sad cow) and are poisoning the food stream with rogue protein molecules they carry in their own bodies.
The conjectured rogue proteins, known as prions, aren't alive yet are capable of copying themselves and slowly destroying the brain of anyone who ingests them. They are invisible and resistant to fire, radiation, and chemicals. There is no known treatment and the effects are fatal. The concept was introduced into scientific literature over a decade ago after struggling researchers bought the rights to a languishing Hollywood horror script.
Most of the meat-related madness observed recently among humans has come from flying brisket and not neurodegenerative disease. However, The Jungle's producers wished to remind everyone: "They are out there. And they are waiting. - Coming December 2008."
A meat-packing industry spokesperson cautioned everyone not to overreact, and said most cattle were overjoyed to be slaughtered.
"Let's not go crazy and become vegans here. You should know that a shocking number of the vegetables we consume struggled with mental illness at some point in their lives."
Brainsnap's Continuing Coverage of the Cow Conspiracy:
Cows: Omnivores or Closet Carnivores? [1]
Homosexual Cows Haunt Republicans' Happy Meals [2]