Australian Prime Minister John Howard today won a crushing victory for big business in a campaign against the poor and needy. "I'd like to thank lowered education standards and a culture of xenophobic fear of strange looking Middle-Eastern people for this victory. I look forward to capitalising on fears of terrorism for another term."
Howard's victory speech was distinguished by an unusual frankness that Australians expect from their political leaders.
"Look, if you are poor, I don't have any good news for you. My party stands for the systematic dismantling of the welfare state. For too long we have enjoyed living standards that are second to none, except perhaps for Norway. Under my stewardship, I hope to bring an end to comfortable living for Australians.
"It is my hope to make Australia as much like the United States as possible. My good friend George W. Bush has been a close advisor to me in recent years as I have struggled to open up Australia to a broad spectrum of problems that we could not have imagined ten years ago. I'm proud to say that I have been very successful in this course. The gap between rich and poor is widening - the price of houses in Australia in my last term as Prime Minister more than doubled, which is great news for landlords across the country. It is bad news for the worthless who can only afford to pay rent, but as any good conservatives knows, it offers them every incentive to get off their arse and get a better job.
"We've been fortunate for too long in this paradise of ours. We've enjoyed high living standards for too long. It's time we became more like our great ally across the pacific. It's time we opened ourselves up to big business and shrugged off our effete pinko-commie ways that have protected Australia's high standards of living for so long.
"I have always stood for the interests of business first and the poor second, which is why I go to church every Sunday. I'm not going to waste my time helping lower-class people overcome the barriers that prevent them from living a fruitful and rewarding life. I want the Australian people to know that they can no longer expect proper treatment in free hospitals or expect a supportable minimum wage. Those days are ended, it's time to face facts. Our country will become harder to live in, and for that we will be thankful. We'll each have to work many more hours per week just to make ends meet, but I couldn't face my savior, the Lord Jesus Christ, if I went to my grave knowing Australians were lazily enjoying an easy life. Life isn't about being easy, its about struggling to make ends meet in a badly paid jobs. Only then, in our misery, can any of us fully appreciate the need for Christianity. For faith in me and in God, thank you all."
John Howard concluded his speech with a much needed prayer for Australia's growing numbers of poor whom, he added, now need Him more than ever.