Still no lapel pin!In an effort to end doubts about his patriotism, Barack Obama denounced his former pastor and bowling team captain Jeremiah Wright, saying "I absolutely reject the worldview of Reverend Wright that holds the United States is not perfect. It's dangerous, and we can't afford to think like that."

In an effort to attract attention from mainstream media who have all been ignoring him throughout the presidential race, Congressman Ron Paul (R-Texas) has begun making appearances in a costume borrowed from America's Next Top Mascot.

"It's better that I surrender to John McCain than have a Democratic president hand me over to terrorists," Romney said as he conceded victory to McCain.

What President Bush meant to say, but forgot.

"The lack of a clear winner in the early primaries is encouraging," declared a spokesman for television broadcasters. "And not just for democracy but for our projected ad revenues as well."

President Bush's nominee for attorney general made an effort to patch things up with skeptical senators by explaining his view on the grey area between torture and safe boating practices.

WASHINGTON, DC - Embattled Attorney-General Alberto Gonzales has admitted to being unable to recall details of this morning's breakfast.