He's the world's most infamous traitor, and plays a starring part in the Bible, a book that has even outsold the Da Vinci Code. But not much has been heard from Judas Iscariot since his memorable role in the crucifixion of Jesus Christ. However, with the recent release of his own gospel, Judas has returned to Earth from his bungalow in Hell on a promotional tour. He speaks with Brainsnap's Nikolai Stephens at a book store in Berkeley:

Nikolai: So Judas, it's been a while since you were down here on the planet. Has much changed?

Judas: Yeah, a fair bit to be honest. This Christianity thing certainly caught on. At the time, I wasn't really sure if it was gonna work. But you know how it is: I didn't have much going on, and this Jesus guy turns up, offers a good wage as a disciple, so I signed on.

Nikolai: So being a disciple was a paid position.

Judas: Yeah sure. You don't just give up your whole life and follow some strange bearded guy for nothing now. The Bible kind of glosses over the bit about when Jesus took out his checkbook a few minutes before he told us to follow him. We might have been ill-educated fishermen, but we weren't complete idiots. Admittedly, it wasn't good money, but... well the position had fringe benefits - free wine, a lot of prostitutes hanging around - to be saved of course, people paid good money to get to the front of the queue to be healed. I did okay from it for a while.

Nikolai: Right... I can see why some of that might have been left out. So, let's get it out of the way early - The whole betrayal thing, what's with that?

Judas: Ahh yes, that. You won't believe how many times I have had to explain the whole thing over the years. I gotta say, I'm a little disappointed about how I've been portrayed. I was led to believe I would get a little more positive publicity after the event. I had a very important role after all. But you know, God's whole spin department went into overdrive after the event, and I think even they were a little surprised at how quickly everyone jumped on the traitor bandwagon.

Nikolai: So you feel your portrayal has been unfair?

Judas: Oh certainly. Very unfair. Most people involved admit that these days. I mean I got a pretty good settlement from Jesus and God, no entry into Heaven unfortunately, but they set me up in a pretty fine house in the better side of Hell, so I'm doing well.

Nikolai: So are you angry at Jesus and God?

Judas: I don't know. It was a strange deal. I guess they could argue they kept their side of the contract. It's the Heavenly bureaucracy and their communications department who are the real arseholes if you know what I mean. Some middle level manager was sloppy, couldn't be bothered with the complexities of the matter and presented the whole thing as simply black and white, with a bad guy and a good guy. I ended up the bad guy.

Nikolai: So you're saying the Bible isn't a fair representation of the events surrounding the resurrection?

Judas: Definitely. The whole thing is a lot greyer if you know what I mean. That's why I originally wrote my gospel - to give my perspective of the matter. Took me ages to write it. I'm not the most educated man after all, and they didn't have word processors back then. I was exhausted when it was finished, then the second-rate schmucks who put the Bible together go and leave it out.

Nikolai: How do Jesus and his father feel about that omission?

Judas: Well I guess they tend to go along with the flow, if you know what I mean. It wasn't their original intention that I'd be the bad guy you know. There had to be a betrayer. Jesus had to die on the cross - the whole theological premise of the religion depends upon it. I kind of stepped forward 'cause at the time I needed the extra cash and thirty pieces of silver was a good bonus back then. I think they knew that I wouldn't come out smelling like roses, but they didn't intend for me to be strung up, literally, for just doing extra duties. But then the bureaucracy simplified the whole thing, made me a scapegoat and just ran with the whole "Judas is a bad guy' slant. I guess it sells better, but it sucks.

Nikolai: So you're not bitter against Jesus then?

Judas: Well he could have supported me a little more. Maybe intervened with the bureaucracy, ensured that my story was heard. Still, there are some fringe benefits. I might be in Hell, but they ensured it's a comfortable, affluent area of Hell. I'm just down the road from Ronald Reagan, Richard Nixon and Josef Stalin. Rupert Murdoch owns the place next door, though he hasn't moved in yet. They're a great bunch of guys, so things could be worse.

Nikolai: So Heaven is subsidising your residence in Hell.

Judas: Basically. They've got some arrangement with Satan. It all works out pretty well.

Nikolai: And now your gospel is published?

Judas: Yes, well... Satan, my literary agent, has negotiated an excellent deal with Random House, so I'll have enough dosh for a pool out the back of my place. I'm going to be pretty popular down there after that you know. My place will be the coolest joint in town. Think of the parties I'll be able to throw. And I can tell you, some of the women in hell know how to have a good time.

Nikolai: Okay... good... Well, we've only seen fragments of the gospel so far. Can you tell us what the rest of it is about?

Judas: Oh, it's got a little bit of everything. It's a little racy, a little sexy, there's adventure, glamour, and an excellent chase scene near the end involving a camel and a banana. And of course I get the girl at the end. I think the public will love it.

Nikolai: It certainly sounds different to Matthew, Mark, Luke and John's gospels.

Judas: Those prudes! I tell you, the people who decided what went in and what was left out of the Bible really were a bunch of censorious dullards. I mean, some of the stuff they rejected was great. Peter's gospel is a real laugh, and Thomas' stuff is a little blue, but it has an artsy feel. Why weren't they in it? The Bible might be a best seller, but I feel that at some point you have to make a choice for artistic integrity over acceptability to the largest market. Oh well, what can you do?

Nikolai: Not much I guess. I spoke to Jesus a few months back and he also expressed frustration at some of the biblical inclusions and exclusions.

Judas: I'm not surprised. Jesus has a wicked sense of humor. They left out all his dirty jokes.

Nikolai: Yeah he told me a few after the interview... pretty damned funny.

Judas: Yeah... Did he tell you the one about the widow from Geshamane and the five loaves and two fishes? That one cracks me up. Well he is the son of god I suppose. You'd expect him to have a good sense of humor considering his dad created it... Anyway, it's been great, but we'd better wrap this interview up. I've got ten other journalists to speak to today.

Nikolai: Oh, okay, well it's been good talking to you Judas. When can we expect to see your gospel in book stores?

Judas: In the next few months. It'll be called "The Palestinian Job."

Nikolai: Catchy title.

Judas: Satan thought of that one. He's a good agent.

Nikolai: I'll keep him in mind if I ever need one.

Related Brainsnap Articles:

• 
  Never before published extracts from the Gospel of Judas
• 
  Brainsnap's exclusive interview with Jesus Christ